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| journal:021_in_transit [2026/03/07 19:03] – harryh | journal:021_in_transit [2026/03/08 03:13] (current) – harryh | ||
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| - | ====== Entry — In transit, six hours out ====== | + | === PAGE: journal: |
| + | ====== Entry — In transit ====== | ||
| ---- | ---- | ||
| - | I keep starting sentences about this and stopping | + | Ten of us. |
| + | |||
| + | I've been counting them on this train, which is something I haven' | ||
| + | done in years — run through the full list, all ten, the way you used | ||
| + | to be able to recite | ||
| + | than it should have. Some of them I had to reach for. | ||
| + | |||
| + | We had numbers before we had anything else. Before we had the training | ||
| + | or the missions or the particular shape of what each of us became, we | ||
| + | had a sequence. An order. I used to think the numbers were neutral — | ||
| + | administrative, | ||
| + | confusion. I don't think that anymore. A number | ||
| + | position implies a hierarchy. A hierarchy implies | ||
| + | are better than others, and children are very good at working out | ||
| + | which ones those are. | ||
| + | |||
| + | I am Five. | ||
| + | |||
| + | The middle. Not the failures, not the stars — the exact centre of | ||
| + | whatever he thought we were. I've spent most of this journey trying | ||
| + | to decide if that's better or worse than I expected, and I keep | ||
| + | arriving | ||
| + | note in brackets that I was unstable. As if the number needed a | ||
| + | caveat. As if the position itself wasn't already a verdict and the | ||
| + | qualifier was the part that really needed saying. | ||
| + | |||
| + | Here is what Five actually means, if you look at the full sequence: | ||
| + | he thought my ceiling was higher than half the household. Higher than | ||
| + | the dragon. Higher than the empath. Higher than the popstar and the | ||
| + | spy and whatever Bayangan was supposed to become. He ranked me above | ||
| + | five of his own children and then spent three years suppressing | ||
| + | mechanism that would have proved him right, and then erased | ||
| + | the roster entirely, and then wrote *(unstable)* next to my name like | ||
| + | a footnote. | ||
| + | |||
| + | I've been sitting with that for four hours and I still don't have | ||
| + | clean feelings about it. I'm not sure I'm supposed | ||
| + | |||
| + | Five. Harrison Hargreeves. Twenty-four years old on a train back to | ||
| + | the place that made me, carrying a number I was given before I could | ||
| + | speak and a surname I chose myself, and the gap between those two | ||
| + | facts is basically the whole story. | ||
| + | |||
| + | //I keep arriving at myself in this count and not knowing what to | ||
| + | write. The others I can do — I have observations, | ||
| + | years of thinking about them from a distance. For myself I just have | ||
| + | the number, and the name, and this journal, and whatever I am now | ||
| + | that the house is done with me.// | ||
| - | I'm going to write them down. All of them. That's what this journal is for. I'm going to make sure that I keep a note of the memories of my siblings. I can refer to these pages, update the notes, and whatever. | + | //Five. Harrison Hargreeves. That'll have to be enough |
| + | with.// | ||
| ---- | ---- | ||
| - | //These pages are located at these links:// | + | //The individual entries on each sibling |
| - | * Orvell | + | * [[021a_jennifer|Jennifer]] |
| - | * Luca | + | * [[021c_luca|Luca]] |
| - | * Crystal Nova | + | * [[021d_crystal_nova|Crystal Nova]] |
| - | * Alexander | + | * [[021e_alexander|Alexander]] |
| - | * Bayangan | + | * [[021f_bayangan|Bayangan]] |
| - | * Isolde | + | * [[021g_isolde|Isolde]] |
| - | * Samantha | + | * [[021h_samantha|Samantha]] |
| - | * Monarch | + | * [[021i_monarch|Monarch]] |
| - | * Unnamed sibling | + | * [[021b_tylon|Tylon]] |